Re-post~

I meant to re-post this recently on Shelby's birthday and didn't get to it. Thanks to everyone who was praying for my family that day. We made it special by all taking flowers to "Aunt Shelby's Garden" as my girls call it (the cemetery). :) Then we all went out to dinner together. Its always better to all be together for those special dates that mark her life.

I was driving by the cemetery recently and Hallie announced, "Dere's Aunt Shelby's gawden, she's awedy in heben though. Mommy why did she weave her house and gawden here?" :) Haha... I thought that was funny. There questions are so cute.

This is a re-post from something I wrote in May, on the day she passed away. Miss that girl so much!!!

This evening our family gathered together to remember Shelby's life and her journey Home. Its been 5 years now and it still amazes me that someone as real as my sister was, is already gone. It's such an empty and final feeling sinking in deeper and deeper each year that she is truly gone, never to return. I never imagined death would tear someone out of my family at such a young and energetic age. Nothing I can do can change it.

As hard as it is for me to come to terms with I have to rest in knowing that from the day that Shelby's life was spoken into existence God had this plan for her. A plan for her to live an amazing life with an abandoned heart for Christ, living to be invisible so that He could be seen through her to other people. Her gaze was set from a young age on heaven and she lived her life as a stranger to this world and the things of it. This was His plan for her, at least part of it. However the other part of His plan for her life is the part that is harder to understand. A plan for her to be tortured to death by horrific sickness and disease while we stood helplessly watching as she was eventually ripped out of our arms dying in pain and suffering. Why? Why? Why? My heart aches as it pleads to know the answers... How can a loving God do this to one of His beloved? How can a loving God full of promises and hope give a life like this to someone who was so passionate about showing His love to a broken world? Betrayal is a feeling that has crept over me many times. How can we have been let down after having so much hope? What did she do to deserve that?

Then I go back to Shelby's life. Was she perfect? No, far from it. I was her younger sister I would know! She was a pain in the butt all the time. However I must admit that most of the time it was because I knew she was right about trying to stop me from doing something stupid.:) I loved her and always knew she loved me and would be there for me. I was spoiled and liked it that way. She was the mothering big sister that always made sure I was okay. I was sorely disappointed when I got married and realized dinner wasn't just ready on the table by itself each evening, and yummy leftovers didn't always just appear in the refrigerator for lunch each day. Another thing I knew I could always count on her for was to be there to listen when I needed to talk. And ALWAYS ready to give advice. When she knew something was up she would make me go on long walks with her to "spill the beans". She held one of the mentoring positions in the family. Everyone knew when they went on a walk with Shelby they would be getting some kind of advice, and not always what we wanted to hear, but it was right. She had a steadfast faith in Christ. I'm always reminded of the chapter in Hebrews when I think of her faith... "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." She had a faith and hope in what can not be seen here on earth. With that faith came her joy... "fixing our eyes on Jesus... who for the joy set before Him endured the cross..." It was not for the joy He was experiencing or that He would have here, it was the joy set before Him. It was not the joy of the cross, rather the joy of knowing He would be with the Father. That is the kind of joy she had that endured through cancer and suffering knowing that she would be with the Father, it was the joy that was set before her and the faith that she had in the conviction of things not seen. If there was no suffering and weeping, if there was no dying, if there was no sickness and disease, no hurting and pain, what would we have to look forward to? What need would we have to draw near to Him?

The evening 5 years ago seems so vivid and alive still in my mind. We all gathered around her bed singing praises together as she lay gasping for air. Our hearts were weary, torn and hurting. She gave her last breath surrounded by family singing. We watched as she was drawn to the voice of the Savior amidst our crying, and protests and she walked from this earth one final time into eternity never to come back again. The empty feeling cannot be described as I watched my parents and siblings bawling over her bed and felt my heart being torn out of my chest. I do however remember vividly looking out the window that night and imagining I saw her standing there watching us. Watching us weep and morn over her disease stricken body and was saying "don't wish me back, don't wish me back to that"... She was finally free! The chains that held her to that sickly body had been broken, she had been healed. Her eyes had been opened to heaven and Christ had been revealed. Although we couldn't see it that evening, I know she was singing with us and that she kept on singing until she was singing with a heavenly multitude.... "Then I heard something like the voice of a great multitude and like the sound of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, saying, 'Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the almighty, reigns!" She is forever free of pain and suffering and just waiting for us to join her.

I still wish she didn't have to go through 8 months of terrible cancer and suffering, I wish she could have been healed, I wish she was still here, I wish I could hug her tonight, but that would be heaven. I can however have faith, hope, and joy, knowing that I will be with her again some day, and although there is weeping, hurt, loss, and suffering, there will be none there, and that is what I have to look forward to. That is what she has. Tonight as we weep remembering her last day on earth, she is celebrating, as today 5 years ago marks the first day of her eternal life! I think she is dancing tonight, dancing with the angels and singing "Worthy, Worthy, Lamb of Heaven, seated on the throne!"